2023 graduate
Home as a child was a very safe and stable environment for me. I grew up with two older sisters and two amazing parents. I looked up to my sisters a lot and loved hanging out with them. However, being the youngest I vividly remember my sisters and their friends not wanting to hang out with me because I was the youngest. On top of that my father wasn’t really one to show emotion, and as a child I craved that emotional attention. Both of these things caused me to feel very lonely and unwanted.
When I got into middle school, I had a lot of older friends who were in high school. I remember finally feeling wanted and accepted. I started to do the things they were doing just to fit in which consisted of smoking weed and drinking alcohol. My drug and alcohol use trickled into my life more and more. While going down that path I was introduced to lots of people who enjoyed the same things. I met a guy, and we started dating. I put my absolute all into this relationship and became extremely codependent on him. My identity was quickly found in that relationship, and I was terrified of losing him, but in the end, I ultimately lost myself. This relationship became abusive, both emotionally and physically, and on top of that we were both heavily addicted to Xanax. I started lying and stealing from my parents, my sisters, and my friends, and quickly our relationships were destroyed. All I cared about in life in those moments were getting high and being with him. We ended things after 4 years of being together, and at the end of those 4 years I no longer recognized who I was.
I quickly jumped into another relationship, and he was also extremely abusive. I became heavily addicted to cocaine, and once again the only thing that mattered was getting high and being with him. During this time in my life, I did a lot of things to my body that I was not proud of all to feed my addiction. I ended up getting pregnant and had an abortion. This led to even more darkness that I didn’t even know was possible. The outgoing, fun, and loving girl I once was, was destroyed by my choices and lifestyle. Throughout the years of being in both of those relationships I went to many treatment programs. My parents were very concerned for me. I knew something needed to change, but in all reality, I didn’t believe that I was worth change. I used those times in treatment as an excuse to run from my problems and I never truly dealt with any of them. After completing each one, I went right back to doing the same things. It always felt like I was missing something, but I never could figure out what that something was, so I went back to the same old patterns of behavior. I told myself that I will always be this way and that there is no hope for me. I completely had given up on myself. I no longer even cared about my well-being. I was at the point of wanting my life to end so I would take all kinds of drugs before going to sleep and hoped I wouldn’t wake up. I was in such a dark place, and it felt like there was no way out. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I truly was at the end of myself.
However, it was in that moment where the only thing to do was look up because I had finally reached the bottom. I truly believe that God spoke to me and told me that “my life didn’t have to be like this anymore, that there is so much better for me”. I remember hearing those thoughts and instantly I was filled with hope that maybe my life could be different. Maybe I didn’t have to keep living through this vicious cycle! By the grace of God my parents found Adult & Teen Challenge of Western WI, I was accepted , and walked through the doors two days later. This was a miracle in and of itself because I live 6 hours away and typically it takes weeks to get into treatment. I packed up my belongings, got in my parent’s car, and left the life I once knew behind.
I was extremely terrified and felt alone when I got here because the faith aspect of the program was so new to me, I never had a relationship with God before and quite frankly I didn’t really think he was real. How I ended up in this program as someone who never really believed in God before is proof that God is always working. The staff were so loving and welcomed me right where I was with open arms. I look back and see that this was the driving force in me being able to stay and complete the program. I didn’t know at the time what they had, but I wanted it! My whole life I had been trying to fill a void in my life with things of this world. It wasn’t until I filled it with God that my life finally felt complete and made sense.
This program helped me overcome the areas in my life that have kept me in my addiction for so many years. I have learned to truly walk in forgiveness and to extend forgiveness to others. I also have learned how to receive love from others and truly believe that I am worthy of love. My reality was once based on the lies I told myself year after year, but throughout this program I started to replace those lies with the truth, and the truth says that I am loved, I am forgiven, and I have been made new. For the last decade I was bound to my addiction living in such darkness, but God broke those chains and freed me from it all. The breaking of me truly became the making of me and this past year has been such an amazing journey. I graduated and moved into the AfterCare program. I also was accepted into the Medical Assistant Program being offered at Gundersen Hospital!
I wanted to end my story with some very recent events in my life. A little backstory: During the last four months of my program, my mom started battling some very serious health conditions, but her one prayer was to watch me be free from my addiction. It had been years since my immediate family had been together without stress or strain due to my battle with addiction. After an amazing four days spent with my family here in La Crosse and them being able to see me graduate from this program, my mom peacefully passed away this last Sunday morning. Her prayer was answered, she was able to see me free from my addiction. She left this earth knowing that I will forever be OK. And here I am! I will spend the rest of my days making her proud, and I will never look back. I will live each day to the fullest in honor of my amazing mother. God's timing is perfect, sometimes painful, but always perfect. I am truly amazed at the woman I am today and never thought any of this would be possible for me. I am so thankful my mom and entire family never gave up on me. I love who I am becoming and have such hope for what my future holds. One of my favorite bible verses is 1 Peter 2:9 and it says, “For you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation. God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.” In my life there were so many times where the darkness seemed to overtake me, and even now it feels dark with my mom’s passing, but I can see now it is in the darkest of times where God’s light is the brightest. I am going to make it. I just want to extend my appreciation to all of you. I didn’t have the means to pay for program and because of you providing this opportunity for me, I now have a second chance at life, and I am going to live it to the fullest! Thank you so much.