Hello, my name is Andrea, and I am 43 years old. I’m grew up in Rockland, WI. My biological father was killed in a motorcycle accident just weeks after I was born. About a year following the accident my mom met the man I’ve called “dad” my entire life. My mom loved my sisters and I very much and did everything in her power to make sure our physical needs were met, however due to my parents love for partying, a lot of our emotional needs were unmet. My sister’s and I attended bible camp and church as kids, but once I was confirmed, we sort of stopped going altogether. I do however have two specific memories of asking Jesus into my heart during two different stints at bible camp. I can look back on my life now and see He was with me all along.
My dad was an alcoholic for as long as I can remember, and due to this he controlled every aspect of the home. I often felt as if I was walking on pins and needles and quickly learned to only speak when spoken too. This was the beginning of where I learned to stuff every emotion I had and to never tell anyone how I truly felt. My mom endured quite a bit of abuse from my dad, but from the outside looking in our family looked “normal” and as if we had it all together. I didn’t realize even until more recently what a profound effect this environment had on me as a kid. I felt very alone and different as a child, as if I didn’t belong. Those feelings only continued to grow and eventually would lead to a crippling drug addiction.
Around 16 years old my parents broke up. It was a turbulent time as my mom was unable to function due to her codependency issues, however, I felt so relieved as the abuse and oppression in our house ceased. We planned to move out of state rather suddenly, so I said goodbye to all my friends and even broke up with my boyfriend. Plans fell through, we didn’t move, and my mom and dad got back together. This was the moment my life drastically changed. I realized there was life outside of this toxic environment and I had enough of it. I ended spending a lot of time at my cousin’s house and just stopped going back home. Rebellion set in and a mindset of doing whatever I wanted became my new reality.
I got a job at a bar and received high school credit for it, so my time at school wasn’t consistent. I started stealing food and alcohol from the bar which resulted in me losing that job. I did not graduate. I liked the way alcohol made me feel and before long, drinking became a way of life. After losing my first job, my aunt and uncle hired me as a bartender at the bar they owned. It didn’t take long before the same patterns of behavior came out and I was stealing once again, smoking marijuana, drinking and hanging out with people I shouldn’t have been. This is where I met my first serious boyfriend who would eventually become the father to my children and husband. The relationship started off ok and we did everything together. However, marijuana and alcohol were always a part of the relationship.
Alcohol intensified our fighting, and I soon became unhappy in the relationship. I planned to end things, but shortly after found out I pregnant. I never knew if I wanted to be a mom because I wasn’t sure I had what it took, but I decided to marry Paul and work towards a white picket fence life. We had two children Jeremiah and Zoie 22 months apart. We loved our kids very much, but I was quickly overwhelmed with having two kids under two and managing most of their care. Paul worked and went out a lot, and I stayed home with the kids. There was this distinct moment I remember feeling like I just needed a break. One night I decided on a whim to go out for a friend’s birthday party, and that night I was offered meth for the first time. I didn’t really know what it was, the guy just said it was better than anything I had ever tried before. That night was truly the beginning of the end.
Before long, I divorced Paul and took the kids. We bounced from apartment to apartment and stayed where we could, but nothing was stable. I did things I swore I would never do to feed this drug habit that seemed to completely control my life the second it entered my body. My ability to be a mom deteriorated and I couldn’t hold a job. I missed court one day and the kids were taken and placed permanently with Paul. My one reason to keep going in life was suddenly stripped from me. Years went by of struggling and trying to get clean, but nothing ever seemed to work or stick. Eventually, I met another man named Josh and ended up marrying him. I married him with the thought he could help me with my kids and that we would all be happy. This was not the case, and things did not get better. We spent a lot of our time drinking together. I tried to make everything seem like it was fine and planned fun things with the kids when I would have them on the weekend. My heart felt so sad that I couldn’t be with my kids, and I really started to believe they were better off at their dads during the week without me. I now know this was not the truth.
Josh and I moved around a lot because I spent a lot of our money on drugs and didn’t pay the bills. This caused a lot of tension in our marriage. He became violent. My addiction was out of control and the darkness was closing in. I began experiencing psychosis and could not hide it. Our relationship ended one night with extreme violence and him lighting my car on fire. My kids witnessed the entire thing. They went through a lot that night. They were confused and hurt, not knowing what was going to happen next.
My perception of things was so distorted, and my poor choices began to negatively affect so many people in my life. I continued to bounce checks. I ended up in jail for fraudulent checks and stealing from the people I loved most. I didn’t see a way out and had accepted that this was how my life would be until I died.
I sobered up in jail and everything hit me like a freight train. Racing thoughts of how I hurt my kids and how I couldn’t undo any of it. My body hurt, and I felt intense emotions like anxiety, guilt, and shame. I actually thought I was going to die from the pain I was experiencing. But GOD- this is right where he met me!! I cried out to the LORD. He gave me peace that very moment and it continued throughout my entire stint in jail. He didn’t take it all away, but He helped me moment by moment. Even through the darkest hours, He was there.
Jail was exactly what I needed to evaluate my life and where it was headed. Pastor Matt and his wife Molly from Horizon Christian Fellowship would come and do ministry in the jail. This is where my heart started to come alive again. I was even given the opportunity to start college classes through Western Technical College while in there.
So many blessings came after my time in jail. I was assigned 2 probation agents who truly wanted to help me start working through my criminal thinking/cognitive thought process and they held me accountable. I successfully completed probation after 10 years! During this time as well, I was hired at Western Tech as a part-time office assistant and a proctor. I had the most amazing co-workers. I continued to work towards my Associate Degree and steward all the responsibilities well. I also got plugged in Horizon Christian Fellowship church which led to me getting water baptized and having the right Christian community around me.
During this time, I also got placement back of my children which was a beautiful, yet hard transition that I don’t think I was prepared for. So many past hurts and lack of parenting led to a power struggle in the home. I had no real authority over my kids, and they didn’t respect me due to being so hurt. Although I had been building my personal relationship with Jesus, I was still bound by so much shame and guilt when I tried to parent. The product of my sin and mistakes seemed to always be in my face when trying to now be a Christian mother and do things differently. This led to many relapses and ups and downs over the last couple of years since I couldn’t cope with the stress or emotions. I tried to do a lot of it in my own strength, and that only lasted so long. Finally, after a couple near death experiences and more infections from drug use than one can count, I realized I must still be missing something. My co-workers, as well as church friends knew about Adult and Teen Challenge and suggested I apply. I surely didn’t think I needed a yearlong program, but I was faced with losing my job and everything I had worked hard for if I didn’t go and get the deep healing I needed.
My issue was total surrender. I know that now. I loved Jesus but still wanted to do things my way and simply forget about my past. Problem was, it still haunted me whenever memories would come up. I finally walked through the doors of ATCWW last August and was a total mess. You see, I had a lot of head knowledge about the Bible and Jesus and could tell everyone what they needed to hear. One issue: I wasn’t believing it for myself! This has been the most beautiful and painful process of humbling myself and healing from all my past pain. I am ACTUALLY receiving God’s love, and it has changed everything about me! He has forgiven me and calls me His. I am covered by His blood and His righteousness. He has brought total freedom and healing in my heart, mind, and soul. I never imagined it was possible to feel this free.
After graduation, I was welcomed back by Western Tech. They held my job for a year and they believe in me! I am so humbled by this. I am now living in the AfterCare program while working and finishing my degree at Western. My church family continues to cheer me on, and God is restoring things with my children day by day. I am forever grateful for the love, mercy and grace of Jesus.