2024 grad
Hello, my name is Amy and I am 26 years old. I grew up in Oshkosh, Wisconsin with my two sisters and my mom. My dad was incarcerated for most of my childhood, and I didn't end up meeting him until I was 17 years old. I did not grow up in a home that practiced any sort of religion, but I remember my grandma talking about God. She considered herself a Christian and that was about my only consistent experience and exposure to God that I can recall. My mom would bring us to church occasionally for holidays, but nothing was ever explained to me.
As a kid I really enjoyed school and excelled until I hit middle school. That's when I was introduced to marijuana and started drinking alcohol. I thought partaking in those things would make me "cool" and I was just looking to belong. I began rebelling and stopped caring about school. My mom would try her best to get me out of bed, but I was very much hard- headed, and she was unsuccessful in holding me accountable. My single mother worked two jobs and was exhausted most of the time. She didn't really have it in her to discipline me, and I would relentlessly test her. There came a point in time where I distinctly remember her giving up. She knew I was dead set on doing things my way and nothing was going to stop me. To cope with her own stress, she started going to the bar and coming home drunk every night. Due to the lack of supervision, I ventured into meeting men online and became very promiscuous. I met a much older man online who would be the one to take my virginity at 14 years old. My entire world changed that day. I suddenly believed that sex was all I was worth to get love and attention. I ended up pregnant around this time and tragically miscarried. It was a traumatic experience that was never talked about. A deep sadness infiltrated my heart, and I contemplated suicide many times following this event. I believe this is where things started to spiral. Unfortunately, it was only the beginning of a very long spiral.
Not long after this period of my life, I met my first serious boyfriend Billy. He was significantly older than me, but he showed me the attention I was longing for. Billy introduced me to painkillers, and I loved the way they made me feel. I became numb to all the intense feelings I was having, and it ended up turning into a daily habit. My body became physically dependent on them and soon it wasn't enough. Not long after, I started to snort and shoot heroine into my body and became heavily addicted by my 15th birthday. Most of the time I didn't have what I needed to fund my habit, so I began stealing from my family and using my body to get my fix. I felt so poorly about myself, and whatever self-esteem I had was gone. I fell deep into depression. I surrendered to the idea that this was how the rest of my life would be. I truly succumbed to my addiction. Of course, one thing led to another, and I started to get in trouble with the law. By the grace of God, I escaped a reckless homicide charge due to someone dying off heroin we sold to them; but not Billy- he went to prison. Sometime after he went to prison and I continued to spiral, I was brutally raped. I gave the cops information on someone they wanted during an investigation, and this man wanted payback. It was the most horrific experience of my life. The pain and humiliation from this event sent me into the darkest place I have ever been in. I truly didn't believe there was a way out. I completely lost myself in my addiction, and any ounce of self-worth was gone. I did things I swore I would never do. Not long after this, my father was released from prison, and I had the opportunity to get to know him. I felt like something had been missing my entire life and so I was excited by the chance to build a relationship with him. At first, he didn't know about my heroin addiction and so I used him for money and a place to stay. Because of his own demons and run-in with the law I knew he wouldn't give me up. I did terrible things to him due to me being so lost in my own mess. A couple years into him being in my life, he died alone in a motel one night. To this day we still don't have confirmation on how he died, but I knew he had started drinking again shortly before his death. I don't think I felt anything due to already being so numb.
Until coming to ATCWW, I never confronted this loss and all the emotions attached to it. I am happy to report, although brutally painful, I am working through it and feeling more freedom every day. As you can imagine, my lifestyle and choices started to catch up with me. I ended up getting into trouble and was assigned to probation. My probation officer sent me to treatment. My time in treatment was pretty much a waste. I looked at rehab as a nuisance as I wasn't ready to make the commitment to being clean. My lack of readiness, coupled with a program that didn't address my past trauma, led to me using meth for the first time 2 weeks prior to completion. I was far from done with that lifestyle. The way I saw it, I was just getting started. From that point in time until now I have spent a total of 5 years incarcerated (on and off) due to my addiction. I became so accustomed to running from my problems and especially running from the law. At one point I managed to run 3 years with an active warrant out for my arrest. The little relationships I had left with my family were all destroyed. I allowed myself to be robbed of all the milestones a kid should have. I truly hit my rock bottom this last time. I was sentenced to 2 years in county jail, and after serving 1 1⁄2 years, I petitioned my judge to allow me to finish out my sentence at Adult and Teen Challenge of Western Wisconsin. To my surprise, he granted me a downward departure.
On April 26th of 2023 I walked through the doors of ATCWW. Of course, my original plan was to run as soon as I was released. I had run from everything in my life, so why would this time be different? The fact that I am writing these words and sharing them with all of you is truly a miracle from God. As soon as I stepped foot into the building, I was met by staff and clients that genuinely cared about me. They displayed love that was like nothing I had ever experienced before. In fact, I was quite suspicious. They all walked around so free and with a sense of peace that I didn't know existed. I wanted what they had but had no clue how to get it. Their inner peace illuminated my brokenness and the darkness in my life, to the point that I became willing to give this a chance in hopes of having a better life. Two days after entering the program we went to a worship and baptism night at First Free Church. I watched person after person get dunked under the water, and the worship music began moving things in my heart. I had no clue what the true meaning of baptism was at that time, but I found myself running down the aisle in my street clothes to the tank. Maybe it was backwards or out of order, but that was the moment God began transforming my heart. I placed my trust and faith in Jesus Christ and am learning to surrender day by day.
Today, as a graduate of ATCWW, I have peace knowing that God has already conquered my past and has washed me clean. I know that I am not the sum of my mistakes, and I have taken on a new identity. His identity. He says that I am royalty, that I am worthy, and I am fully forgiven. Restoration is such a beautiful and winding road. The relationships with my family are being mended daily and I have so much excitement for my future. My heart used to be so hard, and I was bent on doing things the wrong way. I now desire to do the right thing and have compassion for others. I am learning who God has created me to be and developing interests and passions for the very first time in my life. I am not sure what my next steps are yet, but I will continue to walk by faith. I am so grateful for a second chance at life!
Romans 8:28, says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." This means that everything I went through is not wasted, and He will continue to make me into the woman He created me to be and fulfill His purpose.